it's sad because it's true

i could not resist. this is the funniest spoof i have seen since the 80s.

Take the IRON HYMEN Abstinence-Only Pledge

I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:

1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)

2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.

3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.

4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.

check it out at http://www.ironhymen.com/

women will rule the world when girls swallow this instead of diet pills

Ego Tripping (there may be a reason why)
- nikki giovanni

I was born in the congo
I walked to the fertile crescent and built
the sphinx
I designed a pyramid so tough that a star
that only glows every one hundred years falls
into the center giving divine perfect light
I am bad

I sat on the throne
drinking nectar with allah
I got hot and sent an ice age to europe
to cool my thirst
My oldest daughter is nefertiti
the tears from my birth pains
created the nile
I am a beautiful woman

I gazed on the forest and burned
out the sahara desert
with a packet of goat's meat
and a change of clothes
I crossed it in two hours
I am a gazelle so swift
so swift you can't catch me

For a birthday present when he was three
I gave my son hannibal an elephant
He gave me rome for mother's day
My strength flows ever on

My son noah built new/ark and
I stood proudly at the helm
as we sailed on a soft summer day
I turned myself into myself and was
jesus
men intone my loving name
All praises All praises
I am the one who would save

I sowed diamonds in my back yard
My bowels deliver uranium
the filings from my fingernails are
semi-precious jewels
On a trip north
I caught a cold and blew
My nose giving oil to the arab world
I am so hip even my errors are correct
I sailed west to reach east and had to round off
the earth as I went
The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid
across three continents

I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission

I mean...I...can fly
like a bird in the sky...

cougars vs. kittens: exploitation OR celebration??

on monday, june 18th, nbc will unveil its latest reality tv show "Age of Love". the premise is that a hunky 30-year-old bachelor will make out with a bunch of 40-somethings and fall madly for their wisdom and sexual sophistication. ohhhh - but then the young hotsies tramp along and try to tempt the young buck away from the saggy baggies. who will he choose? a young kitten or a hot cougar? meooow.

my question is this: is this show a sick form of pitting women against one another? is this another attempt to objectify women and magnify our nation's obsession with youth? my initial reaction was that of disgust. first of all - 40 isn't exactly OLD by any standard. (maybe because i'm closing in on that decade my damn self.) but i was more offended when i heard the announcer claim the bachelor would first meet the cougars. he would be seduced by that charm only an older woman has the confidence to possess. enter the REAL temptation - the 20-something kittens. what?! so 40-somethings are safe while the 20-somethings are the true blue-ribbon babes? not so much. AND they make it seem like reaching 40 is such an accomplishment. 90-year-olds working some sexy magic - now THAT's a feat.
but i digress.

so part of my wants to boycott the show. i'm tired of seeing women embarrass themselves by acting like silly little birds pecking each other to death over a measly pretzel crumb.

but part of me has no choice but to watch it. some of the contestants are real real hot. i'm sorry! i'm only human. and i succumb to eye-candy just like the rest of ya'll. i want to watch the beauties get smashed 'cause girl-on-girl action is close by. i have yet to see a show that does not show drunk girls making out on the dance floor. right before one holds the other's hair back so she can puke with dignity. it's horrible that i am drawn to such images, i know. but watching straight girls lose their inhibitions just really floats my boat.

and i want to see the older women kick those kittens' asses. the show can potentially highlight the sex appeal of women of all ages. the cougars have confidence and confidence makes for sexy women.

so wrong and disgusting as it might be - you can find me glued to the set come monday night. i will curse the patriarchal overtones and objectification of women. and i will cheer on the hot cougars with all their sophisticated sexiness.

my SHEro

i was blown away. and totally geeked out when i saw joycelyn walk into the hotel. why was she walking alone? shouldn't she have an entourage? doesn't she know who she is?

i went up to her and said (in total geek fashion), are you joycelyn elders? lord. she said yes. my eyes lit up and i mustered the phrase "hold on, i have something for you." so i ran over to my bag and pulled out my little gift. a gift i created just for her.

you see, i created Masturbation FUNdies with pro-female, pro-masturbation messages on them. (that will be my next post, no worries.) i made joycelyn her very own pair. on them, a picture of her with the phrase "give a hand to joycelyn." i hope she loves them and didn't think i'm some crazy perv. wait, i proudly claim that title. well - i hope she thought they were neat.

when i handed her the FUNdies, i told her what an inspiration she is to me. i told her she influenced my decision to go into this field. i told her thank you.

and then i heard her speak. goosebumps i tell you. here was this woman. this strong, older, conservatively dressed doctor preaching from her pulpit about sex. she begged us to celebrate the notion that sex isn't just about making babies - it's about PLEASURE, people! she reminded us that she was FIRED by a president who got his dick sucked in the oval office! she challenged us to push forward the mission of teaching children about masturbation. "you know you're doing it with someone you love," she exclaimed about this still-taboo practice.

so let's give a hand to joycelyn. let's spread the word about the bennies of masturbation. boys do it. girls do it. babies do it. doctors, like joycelyn elders, do it! you can do it too.