the never ending question

i am a therapist who works with people affected by HIV/AIDS. the other day, i sat listening to a man talking about problems he is having with his boyfriend. he wrote a letter telling his boyfriend he is upset because the boyfriend is not affectionate enough, does not pay him enough attention, does not show that he loves him. he thinks his boyfriend is cheating on him. his boyfriend, at one point early in the relationship, told him he "goes both ways" and still occasionally has sex with women. my client gives his boyfriend money even though he is homeless. his boyfriend brushes him off time and time again.

i asked my client where he sees the relationship going. he said he knows one day his boyfriend will leave. he said the only way they will break up is when his boyfriend walks away.

i told him it seems like he is giving all the power to his boyfriend. he said it was important that his boyfriend be in control - that his boyfriend called the shots. i asked him why he gives all the control to his boyfriend.

his lip quivered and eyes watered. he said "i have to give him the control because he stays with me. who else would want me? i have HIV."

at that moment, i felt a connection to this client. i felt connected to all the other people who live in fear that they are not enough. i don't have HIV. but i live in fear that i won't be liked, won't be loved, won't be "enough." myself, and others, worry that someone might not want us if they only knew the real us. my client wears his HIV status like a poisonous repellent, assuming no one would want to get too close. for others of us, our poison is the thought that we are not smart enough, not pretty enough, not adventurous enough, just not enough. we all want to be loved. but this poison constricts our capacity to feel love. how many times have you told yourself "i am no good because i ______."

we have to let go of that fear. we can do this only by accepting ourselves for who we are, who we were, and who we can be. self-acceptance is the greatest gift. my client is not worried that no one will love him because he has HIV. it is he who does not love himself. we are loved if and only when we love ourselves. we can't look to others to fill the void.

tell yourself every day that you are enough.

do you know what you're putting up there?!

(this information provided by Miko Learning and Resource center at www.mikoretail.com)

While playing should be good, clean fun, the fact is that there is no regulation panel determining what sex toys can be made of. The consequence? Your toy has the potential to cause serious harm!

Here's the lowdown on what you should keep in mind: if you take a toy you just purchased out of its package and it is scented or has a shower curtain smell to it, it's bad news. This smell signifies that the toy is most likely made with ingredients that many studies have shown to be cancer-causing agents.

eeeek!

What should you do if this is the case? Throw a condom over the toy each and every time you play with it and throw it out after 6 months.

For the future, ask the salesperson what type of material your soon-to-be purchased item is made of. If the box or the salesperson states any of the following materials, put your toy down and run far, far away.

- Jelly Latex - TPR (thermo plastic rubber)
- Mystery Rubber - Jelly Rubber
- Jelly Vinyl - PVC
- Silicone Blends - Latex

If you want to buy a toy that you are sure is safe for your precious bod, here is a list of key phrases you want either the package or the sales person to say:

- 100% Silicone - Elastomer
- Elastomed - Pyrex
- Stainless Steel - Hard Plastic
- Stone

Silicone and Elastomer are softer materials, which feel more "life-like." Silicone is non-porous and can be sterilized either by boiling or by a bleach or alcohol solution. Elastomer is porous and cannot be sterilized, but can be thoroughly cleaned using antibacterial soap and hot water and an antibacterial toy spray. Elastomer toys are vag-only toys, and should be one-person toys.

Stone, Pyrex, Hard Plastic, Stainless Steel and Elastomed are all firm materials. This means that they are great for G-Spot or P-Spot stimulation too! Pyrex and Stainless Steel can be sterilized.

What if the salesperson doesn't know what the toy is made of? That's a warning sign for you to pay attention to. If the person who is selling you the item isn't schooled on different materials, they they probably aren't going to know the good from the bad.

While sex toys are nice and pleasure is good for you, be a good consumer and know what you are playing with!

dude, i'm not your sweetheart

to guys everywhere who have no idea:

i love being a woman. except for when i don't. what compels a guy to think he can say "hey sweetheart" to me? what makes him think he can tell me "smile" as i walk by? who gave him permission to gawk? whistle? suck his teeth to get my attention? touch my arm to look at my tattoo.

what makes him think he is good enough to walk on the same sidewalk as me? breathe the same air i breath? let alone talk to me with that ugly ass mug?

i was not put here to amuse you. i was not put here as your eye candy.

i am not your sweetheart.

and if you call me that again, i'm gonna slap the shit outta you.