the never ending question

i am a therapist who works with people affected by HIV/AIDS. the other day, i sat listening to a man talking about problems he is having with his boyfriend. he wrote a letter telling his boyfriend he is upset because the boyfriend is not affectionate enough, does not pay him enough attention, does not show that he loves him. he thinks his boyfriend is cheating on him. his boyfriend, at one point early in the relationship, told him he "goes both ways" and still occasionally has sex with women. my client gives his boyfriend money even though he is homeless. his boyfriend brushes him off time and time again.

i asked my client where he sees the relationship going. he said he knows one day his boyfriend will leave. he said the only way they will break up is when his boyfriend walks away.

i told him it seems like he is giving all the power to his boyfriend. he said it was important that his boyfriend be in control - that his boyfriend called the shots. i asked him why he gives all the control to his boyfriend.

his lip quivered and eyes watered. he said "i have to give him the control because he stays with me. who else would want me? i have HIV."

at that moment, i felt a connection to this client. i felt connected to all the other people who live in fear that they are not enough. i don't have HIV. but i live in fear that i won't be liked, won't be loved, won't be "enough." myself, and others, worry that someone might not want us if they only knew the real us. my client wears his HIV status like a poisonous repellent, assuming no one would want to get too close. for others of us, our poison is the thought that we are not smart enough, not pretty enough, not adventurous enough, just not enough. we all want to be loved. but this poison constricts our capacity to feel love. how many times have you told yourself "i am no good because i ______."

we have to let go of that fear. we can do this only by accepting ourselves for who we are, who we were, and who we can be. self-acceptance is the greatest gift. my client is not worried that no one will love him because he has HIV. it is he who does not love himself. we are loved if and only when we love ourselves. we can't look to others to fill the void.

tell yourself every day that you are enough.