slut or self-aware?

the other day i saw a 20-something female walking across the street. she had on the miniest-mini-skirt, patent leather high heels, and a low cut top. my first thought was "oh no she didn't!" but then i found myself questioning my knee-jerk reaction. maybe she was dressed that way because doing so made her feel confident, self-aware, in control. maybe i was perpetuating the messages of our culture at-large, the society that demonizes women who express their sexuality just a bit too much.

women are constantly objectified not only as sex objects but as oversexed objects. it is 2007 in a time when tits and ass dominate our media. but let a woman wear a mini and show off her girls and watch the derogatory statements fly. i know - i threw a few myself.

in this consumerist society, maybe sexy only looks good when it has a price tag attached. women are only sexy when they are selling something. selling beer, selling music, selling make-up. and a woman can even sell herself so long as she doesn't look too slutty doing so. women do it all the time. sell out for that illusion, that american dream, that dream job. women have been using their assets since the beginning of time. so who am i to judge that poor girl walking across the street with a skirt so short i could see she was in need of a brazillian.

shouldn't a woman be allowed to wear whatever she wants? so long as she is doing it for herself, so long as she does so with pride?

i say yes. a woman can dress as provocatively as she likes, so long as too much pink isn't showing. right? even if she is on a southwest flight. i'll take a tight tank top on some hot blonde over some fat ass balding man any day. and yes - i just objectified fat, bald men. sue me.

fucking at 50

how pleased was i to turn on lynn doyle and see a show on the sex lives of women over 50. two female authors talked about the misconceptions our society has about women losing their sex drive as they age. women are not supposed to admit to liking, wanting, or craving sex. women are taught that sex is something we do to please others. the authors explained that women are sexual into their 50s and beyond. one author offered a great tip. she said if a woman has passion in her life, not related to sexuality, that passion will extend into her sex life as well. having passion in one's life is critical. a woman must have passion for self. she must seek out to participate in activities that feed her soul. she must stay true to herself as a woman first. a woman with passion in her life will have a fantasy fucking life. literally.

it gives me hope that we are beginning to see the importance sexuality plays in our lives. now if we can only stop calling women who love sex sluts, we'll be just fine.

remember the sky ride?

i went to six flags last nite. i was overwhelmed with feelings of nostalgia as thoughts from adolescence flooded me. we passed the sky ride (you know those little 2-person cars that fly above the entire amusement park at a snail's pace?) and i recall being a 13-year-old little girl going to the park with my best friends. it was such an adventure to go the park. we would take such effort to make sure our hair looked great and clothes coordinated. our parents didn't know we were there to meet up with our school crushes. or maybe they did and recognized this to be an important part of self-discovery.

back to the sky ride. going on the sky ride meant one thing: make out! but not make-out as i know it today. make-out back then was often nothing more than sitting closely to that boy you drooled over during math. make-out meant sitting so closely on the sky ride that your knees would touch and waves of adrenaline would surge through your tiny body. make-out meant the courageous crush who would slide a hand over yours. almost too much to bear! and every so often, make-out did mean just that - lips on lips and even the occasional slip of the tongue.

but it was just that. THAT was the journey and destination. sex did not enter our minds nor was it the motivation to start the make-out in the first place. the make-out was, in and of itself, the objective.

i miss those days. i miss those days when holding hands meant so much. when sitting closely was all that was needed to know you were going to love that person for the rest of your life (or at least 7th grade!). there was no anxiety or wonder if the sex was good, if you were sexually appealing, if you were sexually competent. no worry if your ass jiggles too much when you're doin' it doggy. no worry if your belly hangs over when you're riding on top. no worry about grazing it with your teeth. no worry that a phonecall won't come the next day - or ever.

it was just sweet. and fun. and intense. and spine-tingling. it was lust. it was love. it was all that.

that's what the sky ride means to me.

use a separate washcloth

the other day, a muslim female client was talking with me about her sex life. she is sexually active and states she is looking for a man who is sexually compatible. she said she has rarely been sexually satisfied. usually she finds men who just cut to the chase and get off (ejaculating AND getting off of her) without making sure she has orgasmed.

"i haven't really had any orgasms in my life."

i asked her if she masturbates. she said she has never been able to do that. she always thought of it as dirty or weird.

well, "do you like your body" i asked. "not really, no," she said with embarrassment. she was very insightful and assessed that avoiding masturbation and disliking her body stems from childhood. her mother made her feel ashamed of her genitals. we weren't allowed to touch or talk about "down there."

"you use a separate washcloth for down there," her mother would warn.

what a message that sends. down there is dirty. don't touch. it's contaminated.

these are powerful messages that stick with each of us as we grow up. while my own mother never explicitly told me not to touch, she didn't give me permission to touch either. she did not tell me i did not need to buy the FDS (feminine deodorant spray) while shopping together when i was a teen. she had massengil in her cabinet, i learned down there needed extra cleaning. i don't blame my mother - she was only doing what she thought to be right. but it wasn't.

i say this all the time. how often have you seen a commercial promising to rid of awful ball or dick odor? probably never, right? it seems preposterous! and really, it is. but we have become so desensitized to women's bodies being objectified, scrutinized, and criticized that we are numb when we see ads selling fresh wipes with panty liners.


it's not acceptable to tell us down there is dirty.

i want to start a campaign to boycott all "feminine hygiene" products that demean women. first stop Always. who's with me?

the never ending question

i am a therapist who works with people affected by HIV/AIDS. the other day, i sat listening to a man talking about problems he is having with his boyfriend. he wrote a letter telling his boyfriend he is upset because the boyfriend is not affectionate enough, does not pay him enough attention, does not show that he loves him. he thinks his boyfriend is cheating on him. his boyfriend, at one point early in the relationship, told him he "goes both ways" and still occasionally has sex with women. my client gives his boyfriend money even though he is homeless. his boyfriend brushes him off time and time again.

i asked my client where he sees the relationship going. he said he knows one day his boyfriend will leave. he said the only way they will break up is when his boyfriend walks away.

i told him it seems like he is giving all the power to his boyfriend. he said it was important that his boyfriend be in control - that his boyfriend called the shots. i asked him why he gives all the control to his boyfriend.

his lip quivered and eyes watered. he said "i have to give him the control because he stays with me. who else would want me? i have HIV."

at that moment, i felt a connection to this client. i felt connected to all the other people who live in fear that they are not enough. i don't have HIV. but i live in fear that i won't be liked, won't be loved, won't be "enough." myself, and others, worry that someone might not want us if they only knew the real us. my client wears his HIV status like a poisonous repellent, assuming no one would want to get too close. for others of us, our poison is the thought that we are not smart enough, not pretty enough, not adventurous enough, just not enough. we all want to be loved. but this poison constricts our capacity to feel love. how many times have you told yourself "i am no good because i ______."

we have to let go of that fear. we can do this only by accepting ourselves for who we are, who we were, and who we can be. self-acceptance is the greatest gift. my client is not worried that no one will love him because he has HIV. it is he who does not love himself. we are loved if and only when we love ourselves. we can't look to others to fill the void.

tell yourself every day that you are enough.

do you know what you're putting up there?!

(this information provided by Miko Learning and Resource center at www.mikoretail.com)

While playing should be good, clean fun, the fact is that there is no regulation panel determining what sex toys can be made of. The consequence? Your toy has the potential to cause serious harm!

Here's the lowdown on what you should keep in mind: if you take a toy you just purchased out of its package and it is scented or has a shower curtain smell to it, it's bad news. This smell signifies that the toy is most likely made with ingredients that many studies have shown to be cancer-causing agents.

eeeek!

What should you do if this is the case? Throw a condom over the toy each and every time you play with it and throw it out after 6 months.

For the future, ask the salesperson what type of material your soon-to-be purchased item is made of. If the box or the salesperson states any of the following materials, put your toy down and run far, far away.

- Jelly Latex - TPR (thermo plastic rubber)
- Mystery Rubber - Jelly Rubber
- Jelly Vinyl - PVC
- Silicone Blends - Latex

If you want to buy a toy that you are sure is safe for your precious bod, here is a list of key phrases you want either the package or the sales person to say:

- 100% Silicone - Elastomer
- Elastomed - Pyrex
- Stainless Steel - Hard Plastic
- Stone

Silicone and Elastomer are softer materials, which feel more "life-like." Silicone is non-porous and can be sterilized either by boiling or by a bleach or alcohol solution. Elastomer is porous and cannot be sterilized, but can be thoroughly cleaned using antibacterial soap and hot water and an antibacterial toy spray. Elastomer toys are vag-only toys, and should be one-person toys.

Stone, Pyrex, Hard Plastic, Stainless Steel and Elastomed are all firm materials. This means that they are great for G-Spot or P-Spot stimulation too! Pyrex and Stainless Steel can be sterilized.

What if the salesperson doesn't know what the toy is made of? That's a warning sign for you to pay attention to. If the person who is selling you the item isn't schooled on different materials, they they probably aren't going to know the good from the bad.

While sex toys are nice and pleasure is good for you, be a good consumer and know what you are playing with!

dude, i'm not your sweetheart

to guys everywhere who have no idea:

i love being a woman. except for when i don't. what compels a guy to think he can say "hey sweetheart" to me? what makes him think he can tell me "smile" as i walk by? who gave him permission to gawk? whistle? suck his teeth to get my attention? touch my arm to look at my tattoo.

what makes him think he is good enough to walk on the same sidewalk as me? breathe the same air i breath? let alone talk to me with that ugly ass mug?

i was not put here to amuse you. i was not put here as your eye candy.

i am not your sweetheart.

and if you call me that again, i'm gonna slap the shit outta you.